16-21 April (Michael Jordan Is Asexual)

WHOOPS!!

In hindsight, I should have prepared this piece on Saturday.  But then I wrote Repping and it just didn’t seem right to double-publish while LRDP waits for the rest of the staff to put up their debuts.  So it looks like Sunday’s games won’t be included.  Oh well.  At least I dodged the bullet of trying to choose between the Heat** and the Knicks***.

**As a Celtics fan, I hate the Heat more than the Bobcats hate winning.  I will not give them credit for anything if I can avoid it.  I think D-Wade is a great basketball player but he buried himself when he let The Queen Without A Ring move to South Beach.

***Won’t lie.  Melo going off + healthy Amare + Tyson Chandler pretending that he is a momma bear and his bear cubs live in the paint?  Nope.  Not unless you have Reggie Miller.

I don’t know how this is going to play out in the future…  I’ll figure it out but I’m gonna tell you what I think are the best matchups to see this week (16-21 April).  I might be completely serious when I say game X is gonna be huge.  I might not be.  But I’m gonna make my pick and I’m gonna keep a running W-L record.  I won’t be held accountable for your Vegas losses (but feel free to cut me a share from your winnings).  Winners UNDERLINED.

16 APRIL—

ASTROS @ NATIONALS.   It’s Weiland vs Strasburg.  Weiland debuted with the Red Sox last season and got ejected in his first game for plunking Vlad Guerrero.  That’s gotta be the equivalent of going to jail and on your first day, you punch the biggest muh-effer square in the jaw.  Strasburg is supposed to be the greatest pitcher ever.  See where I’m going with this?  If I’m Weiland, I’m hitting Strasburg with my first pitch when he bats.  Alpha dog territory.

ORIOLES @ WHITE SOX.  This time we got Arrieta on the mound.  Why is this important?  Well, if you happened to be at my local bar of choice, Bill Bateman’s, when Arrieta went up against Sabathia last week you may have heard my declaration(s)**.  Yes, not only did I declare that Jake Arrieta is Baltimore’s new ace.  But I also figured out that he is going to be so great that they will rename the Cy Young award.  Yes, Arrieta is about to win the first-ever Arrieta Award.

**I also said he was going to be so awesome that the NHL takes the Stanley Cup and renames it the Arrieta Cup.  And guess what.  I wasn’t drunk.  At that point.

PHILLIES @ GIANTS.  Halladay vs Lincecum.  Yeah.  I don’t need to say much more.  Unless Timmy decides to give up 8 in less than 3 innings again.

76ERS @ MAGIC.  Wasn’t it a month ago that Philly looked like a lock to win the Atlantic Division?  Keep dreaming, Sixers.  Until the Big 3 Era is officially over in Beantown, that’s ours.  Now you got the Bucks breathing down your neck.  And there’s something about Ellis-Ilyasova-Jennings that I like.  If you can’t beat a Magic team with Coin-Flip Howard on the bench, you don’t belong in the playoffs.

THUNDER @ CLIPPERS.  They might as well have SportsCenter go on location and air live because you know Tuesday morning’s highlight reels are basically a re-showing of this game.

17 APRIL—

CELTICS @ KNICKS.  If there was a such thing as a 2nd half bracket a la March Madness, Boston is playing the role of the bracketbuster.  Anyone see Boston as being the best team in the East (consistency/record-wise)?  If you said yes, you’re a liar.  And Chandler is a non-factor in this one because now KG is playing center.  You want to let KG shoot open jump shots?  And without Amare, you can’t play Melo at power forward.  Unless you wanna assign covering Pierce to Novak/Bill Walker.  Now you just look dumb.

18 APRIL—

RANGERS @ RED SOX.  Derek Holland against Josh Beckett.  I only put this one on here because one of my best friends is a huge Sox fan.  And his name?  It’s Holland.  Who also drafted Holland for his fantasy team.

PHILLIES @ GIANTS.  Cliff Lee is pretty good.  I would want him on my team.  But Matt Cain is better.  This game might go 20 scoreless innings, only to be settled with a home run derby.  Between Cliff Lee and Matt Cain.  And they pitch to each other.

BULLS @ BOBCATS.  Look, I’m gonna be honest.  I think Michael Jordan is a dick.  And an asshole.  And he can go eff himself.  (Haha, that was unintentional until I typed it and realized it was GENIUS)  I hope Derrick Rose breaks every single Bulls record Jordan owns.  While Jordan watches.  And if you’re gonna break records, the Bobcats are probably  the best opponent.

MAGIC @ CELTICS.  Brandon Bass >>>>> Glen Davis  And with Howard out, you get Davis vs Garnett…

19 APRIL—

BULLS @ HEAT.  Was it a fluke?  Or was Derrick Rose pretending to be 4th quarter Lebron when he only scored 2 points last time they faced off.

20 APRIL—

ORIOLES @ ANGELS.  Matusz on the mound.  Pujols in the lineup.  It’s a trainwreck waiting to happen.  Matusz has been so awful the last year or so that now… how is he still in the rotation?  I mean, I know we aren’t known for having a great pitching staff.  But maybe they could just put the Oriole bird out there?**

**Fact:  in 2010, I declared Matusz to be the next Orioles ace.  Sorry for the foreshadowing, Arrieta.

CELTICS @ HAWKS.  Potential first round playoff matchup.  And what if that rumored trade had gone down?  Ray and KG would be in Atlanta and J-Smoove would be in Boston.  Same scenario?  No.  Because then Boston misses the playoffs completely.  Suck it, Hawks fans.

21 APRIL—

ORIOLES @ ANGELS.  No way.  TWO Arrieta games this week?!?!

YEAAAAAAHHHHHH BUDDY! Pauly D approves!

NUGGETS @ SUNS.  All joking aside, I hope Steve Nash gets into the playoffs.

That will do it for this week’s matchups.  But it’s gonna be a great week.  We get Dodgers/Matt Kemp vs Brewers/Ryan Braun.  We get the first chapter of Yankees-Red Sox.  And there’s this hockey thing going.  I don’t know much about hockey but I do know that the Flyers-Penguins series is ridiculously high scoring.

BONUS MATCHUP:  Mark Reynolds vs Adam Dunn.  Who strikes out more?

Dangit.

Image credit:  http://ftrsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/romo-fumble-251×300.jpg

   http://www.radaronline.com/sites/radaronline.com/files/imagecache/350width/wenn2770823.jpg

   http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eehRUblXMhI/Tbzi71o0XZI/AAAAAAAAALY/wTog9cLg8nA/s160/Adam+Dunn+K.jpg

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3 thoughts on “16-21 April (Michael Jordan Is Asexual)

  1. Very nice post and right to the point. I don’t know if this is truly the best place to ask but do you guys have any ideea where to employ some professional writers? Thanks in advance 🙂

  2. Pingback: 24 Days Later… Days 1-8 « LastRoundDraftPicks

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