Wanted: Fat Matt Smith

Still missing on the sidelines...

Another year, another NFL Draft.  Some questions were probably answered; some were probably not.  And some new questions have been born.  So who wins and who loses?  Well… until we get a few weeks into the actual season, I guess we won’t know for sure.  One thing is for certain though.  There is one player who went undrafted.  Again.  And because he’s still not in the NFL, EVERYONE loses.

He plays QB and he is the biggest game-changer in history.  Capable of destroying every NFL QB record ever.  And he has never even gotten to take a single snap.  Drew Brees just set the single-season passing yards record with 5,476.  Pretty good.  But this guy has thrown for 1,000 in a single game.  Tom Brady owns the record for single-season TD passes with 50.  That was an amazing season.  But this guy can beat that in 5 games.  Maybe less.  Best QB rating ever: Aaron Rodgers, at 122.5.  Well, I don’t know how to compute a QB rating.  But I can guarantee this guy is higher.  You name a QB record and this guy will shatter it.

And it doesn’t stop there.  Because this guy can run the ball.  Adrian Peterson once ran for 296 yards in a single game.  This guy might have double that in a single half.  On multiple occasions.  Best rushing average in a game—Maurice Jones-Drew: 22.1 yards per attempt.  The guy I’m talking about?  It isn’t measured in yards per attempt.  It’s measured in TDs per attempt.  And if the number could be higher than 1.0, it would be.  He’s got moves that would be Barry Sanders jealous.

Like Bigfoot, lots of people claim to have seen Fat Matt Smith. But this is just another imposter.

So who is this superstar?  Why is he not tearing up the NFL?  Well… his name.  Is Fat Matt Smith.  And I don’t know why he isn’t in the NFL.  I believe it’s politics.  Do you really want to pay defensive players a ton of money… only to watch them fail so bad?

I first saw Fat Matt Smith sometime back in 2006.  He was somewhere around 6 feet tall.  And he weighed close to 400 pounds.  But that guy was fast.  Super fast.  He could run laps around Usain Bolt.  He was a man of few words… he let his play do the talking.  But while he was a quiet guy, he was full of swag.  I once saw his team get the ball around midfield and on the first snap, he ran backwards  towards his own endzone.  I was thinking: “What an idiot.  He’s going to get safetied”.  But with a few jukes moves, he scooted to the sideline and went 99 yards for the touchdown.  I’ve seen him run backwards and before the fastest defender could touch him, he dove out of bounds and pinned his team on the 1-yard line.  And then on the next snap, he threw a 99-yard strike to his receiver.  Over, and over, and over again.  If his team was on offense, Fat Matt was scoring.  And nearly every scoring play was a 99-yarder.

So why isn’t Fat Matt Smith in the NFL?  Where is he?  No one knows.  No one knows if he truly exists.  I’ve only seen him as a representation on Madden football.  But when I saw him again in 2007, he was the same player, leading his team to victory after victory.  If only some team could track Fat Matt down and sign him to a contract.  He comes with the Super Bowl trophy.

But maybe next year.  Maybe 2013 will be the year that Roger Goodell walks onto the stage and says “With the first pick of the 2013 Draft, [whatever team has the assets to acquire the #1 pick] selects Fat Matt Smith”.


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